My Weird Cousin

Ellie Livera

Everyone has that one weird cousin. In my case, Nathaniel was the Spriggs family’s appointed Weird Cousin, and he wore that title like a badge of honour. 

Nathaniel never wore shoes – or as he called them, foot prisons. He refused to force his feet to conform to restrictive social constructs. Nathaniel even went further and walked around on his tiptoes like a T-Rex. 

It certainly doesn’t help that Nathaniel has a one-in-a-million genetic mutation that has resulted in him having a perfectly functioning third kidney (and he has passed three kidney stones from each kidney in the span of one year). Speaking of medical history, he once bit my finger so hard that it got infected and I had to be rushed to the hospital.

In one particular cousin-bonding moment, we had the same chemistry class, and the teacher was late so Nathaniel thought it would be a good idea to raid the chemical closet. There he found a half-empty bottle of bleach and a mystery bottle. The label was crumbling to dust but the only thing I could barely read was NH3. Nathaniel thought it would be fun to run a little science experiment to mix them in the beakers. When the chemicals were steaming for ten minutes, the teacher chose that moment to come in.

She immediately opened all the windows and took us all outside. After a long session of screaming at us, she said, ‘You idiots could’ve killed everyone! You made mustard gas! You must wash those test tubes! Go inside and prepare for death!’ We were freaking out but washed them anyways.

The next morning, we were supposed to have her class first thing in the morning, but she was a no-show. We were so scared that were gonna be arrested for murder, but she showed up later in the day. She was just late because her car had a punctured tyre!

I don’t see Nathaniel as much anymore because he’s in prison for robbing a Gregg’s with a flock of homebred seagulls, all of whom were named Karl.