CLARTING A PANDA

Hannah Smith

Right. Here’s a question for you: what’s the biggest animal you reckon you could take in a fight?

Hmm, okay. Kangaroo. Singular.

You could not beat a fucking kangaroo in a fight.

Nah, I could. I feel like they’re very human.

No. They’re kangaroos. One would clart you.

What the fuck is clart? Don’t you mean clock?

No, I mean clart. You know like when you clart someone?

No?

Right, hang on. Yeah. Here it is. Urban Dictionary: When you smack a G.

I’m gonna smack that phone out of your hand in a minute.

I think you mean you’re gonna clart it.

Kill yourself. Like, actually, kill yourself.

I reckon I could take on a panda, you know.

A panda? Like a red panda or a big panda?

One of those little shit ones that are always falling out of trees.

You mean the red ones?

No, I mean the little shit ones.

The black and white ones?

Yeah.

The cannibal ones?

What are you on about?

If they have a baby and they don’t realise it’s theirs, then they’ll eat it.

What the fuck?

I know. Crazy, right?

No, I mean how the fuck do you even know that?

David Attenborough. He’s my side piece, innit.

Who’s your main piece then? The kangaroo?

Yeah, that’s how I’d beat it. Kill ’em with kindness.

Preach, Selena Gomez.

It’s fucking Shakespeare, you daft cunt.

How are you planning on beating this panda anyway?

I don’t even need to do nothing. Have you not seen them videos of pandas just falling out of trees and shit? Like, I love them, they’re great, but they’re so fucking stupid.

What if it fell on you?

Well, obviously, that’s when I’d clart it.